Endings

In the last 2 weeks, 3 of the patients I was pretty close with have passed. For the most part, I feel relieved, that they aren't living with the pain and nausea, and the ugliness that cancer is. But then I remember their parents, spouses, and children and I feel sad for all that they will miss. N won't get to see his high school graduation, B won't get to see her babies grow up, and K won't get to grow old with her husband. There are so many plans and hopes that were left unfinished.

Despite my atheist ways, I really hope that there is more than just blinking out of existence. There has to be more than this life and there must be some type of reward for those who leave so prematurely.

I'm trying to figure out how to disconnect myself, but it might be impossible. There is absolutely no way to avoid death on a cancer unit. The patients stay for so long that you really get to know them, so when they die it's like a close friend has died...over and over. I guess I should appreciate the fact that I ever knew them at all and treasure the memories they leave me with. blah...i'm feeling all morbid and sad, going to find something happy to do.

What the F@#$!!

So I get an email for my phone bill and I'm thinking it'll probably be about 140 bucks. But no, it's 1200 dollars, 1200 dollars. This number is so large, it's unbelievable. The cause of all this phone drama is of course my little sister. I recently added her to my acct, starting her at 450 minutes a month. Big mistake. She was already at 500 at 1.5 weeks in. So I told her no more calls for the month.

She didn't listen, like she never listens. She's seventeen and broke and I'm stuck with this stupid bill. I could kill her.

Need Life...

I need a life. Here I have 6 beautiful days in a row off and I'm lurking about wishing I were at work. Am I insane? I check my email several times an hour and still the same old 316 messages (one day I'll get around to clearing that out).

I think tomorrow, assuming the weather agrees, I'm going to walk up to the top of twin peaks. It'll be my exercise slash semi life. Ok it's not really a life, but at least I'll be able to say "I am a woman" (kidding,) "I almost did something worthwhile today."

Also discovered that blogs suck. I find myself concerned about whether what I'm writing is interesting enough to warrant a post. Somebody out there will just read it and think what a loser. Also, blogs lack the fun spontaneity of emails, because you can't control who's going to read it. Granted my current subscriber list is two strong right now, but it could someday grow and then those ppl I don't have the balls to say I hate you to their face will discover that I hate them through the computer.

However, in an effort to create a fun past time outside of knitting, I will continue on boring life and all.

Virgin Blogger

It is my first time blogging and so far it seems to be more stressful than expected. Perhaps it's because I'm trying to learn spanish by watching bad soap operas while writing something worth reading.