Endings

In the last 2 weeks, 3 of the patients I was pretty close with have passed. For the most part, I feel relieved, that they aren't living with the pain and nausea, and the ugliness that cancer is. But then I remember their parents, spouses, and children and I feel sad for all that they will miss. N won't get to see his high school graduation, B won't get to see her babies grow up, and K won't get to grow old with her husband. There are so many plans and hopes that were left unfinished.

Despite my atheist ways, I really hope that there is more than just blinking out of existence. There has to be more than this life and there must be some type of reward for those who leave so prematurely.

I'm trying to figure out how to disconnect myself, but it might be impossible. There is absolutely no way to avoid death on a cancer unit. The patients stay for so long that you really get to know them, so when they die it's like a close friend has died...over and over. I guess I should appreciate the fact that I ever knew them at all and treasure the memories they leave me with. blah...i'm feeling all morbid and sad, going to find something happy to do.