pimp slapped

just going through some old emails and found one from the depressing days of physics in my undergrad

Date: Thu, 19 Sep 2002 13:27:19 -0400
From: bjrobins@umich.edu
To: mom@yahoo.com
Subject: physics has pimp slapped me...

i'm doing physics right now. this misery will never end. i've been working on
physics everyday for about 4-5+ hours and yet it never seems to stop and i
never seem to comprehend. physics is taking over my life and abusing me. it's
so bad that you pray for an illness, but you know even that won't offer
relief. b/c even if your temp is a 105 and you're puking up your guts
everywhere, you will still delirously have to trudge on through the deep, dark
abyss that is know as physics. or else be caught in another web of physics
next semester...

a bit morbid but how are you?

B

I don't know why I keep doing this. I'm a self-respecting relatively well adapted woman who has a life...kinda, but somehow I always go back to it. I cringe to even think of what my two readers will think of me when they discover my horrible, dirty secret (well perhaps one of them already knows). I watch America's Next Top Model. (big silence) Yeah, I know you guys are shocked, since you know how I feel about that model crap and creating horrible unrealistic images of women. But it's like a train wreck, so disturbing and bloody, you can't help but look.

It's not like I intentionally seek it out, well actually I do, if going to cwtv.com website to watch it is considered intentional. But I only go there when I'm having a boring day and need something to get me all hot and bothered about the women's rights and just plain ridiculousness of the show.

Lazy Sunday

Looking over previous posts, I realize what a whiner I've become. Sorry folks or rather sorry 2 people who read my blog. I don't mean to be such an annoying person. Feel free to tell me to shut up or change the subject anytime. I feel like an exhibitionist lately, that's the only reason I can come up with for using the internet to store my personal thoughts. But screw it, everyone else does it, why not me?

Currently watching old school Scooby Doo. It makes me happy. Not 'haha happy' like SpongeBob SquarePants, but 'yay I feel like I'm 5 watching sunday morning cartoons happy.' Still don't understand where the villains get their superhuman strength (when they're only human). But alas, I have to work tonight so I should be going to sleep and not pondering the mysteries of Scooby Doo.

Bye 2 People who I shall leave unnamed!

More money, more problems...

I'm worried about my family. It feels like we're fighting a never-ending battle. When things are going right, something inevitable happens to send all plans to hell. My mom can't find a job, my dad has lost all his job connections by moving south, my sisters barely have enough food. I feel the pressure to make everyone's life right, although I know I can't and don't have to. It's the story of my life, I've spent so much time and effort taking care of everyone I don't know how to let go.

It's especially hard to talk to anyone about this, because no one seems to understand. When I talk to my roommate about it, I feel like I'm talking to an alien. One who has no concept of what it means to grow up on this world poor. No clue of what it means to struggle to make sure that everyone is fed, and bills are paid. She has no clue. I don't think she understands why it's so hard to let them survive on their own. My sole purpose for going to school, for choosing the career that could get me into the job force the quickest, was to support my family. I didn't want to be in that same position I was as a kid, where you know what's needed but not how to supply it. Now I'm in a place where I can help. But at the same time I'm not saving and investing like I should be, like she is.

I can't cut the strings.

done...

I'm more than a little depressed. Its only been 9 months into cancer nursing and I'm burning out. It's hard to separate my life from my patients. I feel like there must be something else I can do, something to stop the pain, the nausea, the diarrhea. But nothing changes and people keep dying. I comfort for the inevitable. I keep wondering what good I'm doing, what purpose I serve. What kind of life have I made for myself that this is the career I've chosen?

Perhaps it's the combination of working the night shift for the past 7 weeks and missing the sun that has got me depressed. I don't know what to do to get out of this funk.

Endings

In the last 2 weeks, 3 of the patients I was pretty close with have passed. For the most part, I feel relieved, that they aren't living with the pain and nausea, and the ugliness that cancer is. But then I remember their parents, spouses, and children and I feel sad for all that they will miss. N won't get to see his high school graduation, B won't get to see her babies grow up, and K won't get to grow old with her husband. There are so many plans and hopes that were left unfinished.

Despite my atheist ways, I really hope that there is more than just blinking out of existence. There has to be more than this life and there must be some type of reward for those who leave so prematurely.

I'm trying to figure out how to disconnect myself, but it might be impossible. There is absolutely no way to avoid death on a cancer unit. The patients stay for so long that you really get to know them, so when they die it's like a close friend has died...over and over. I guess I should appreciate the fact that I ever knew them at all and treasure the memories they leave me with. blah...i'm feeling all morbid and sad, going to find something happy to do.

What the F@#$!!

So I get an email for my phone bill and I'm thinking it'll probably be about 140 bucks. But no, it's 1200 dollars, 1200 dollars. This number is so large, it's unbelievable. The cause of all this phone drama is of course my little sister. I recently added her to my acct, starting her at 450 minutes a month. Big mistake. She was already at 500 at 1.5 weeks in. So I told her no more calls for the month.

She didn't listen, like she never listens. She's seventeen and broke and I'm stuck with this stupid bill. I could kill her.

Need Life...

I need a life. Here I have 6 beautiful days in a row off and I'm lurking about wishing I were at work. Am I insane? I check my email several times an hour and still the same old 316 messages (one day I'll get around to clearing that out).

I think tomorrow, assuming the weather agrees, I'm going to walk up to the top of twin peaks. It'll be my exercise slash semi life. Ok it's not really a life, but at least I'll be able to say "I am a woman" (kidding,) "I almost did something worthwhile today."

Also discovered that blogs suck. I find myself concerned about whether what I'm writing is interesting enough to warrant a post. Somebody out there will just read it and think what a loser. Also, blogs lack the fun spontaneity of emails, because you can't control who's going to read it. Granted my current subscriber list is two strong right now, but it could someday grow and then those ppl I don't have the balls to say I hate you to their face will discover that I hate them through the computer.

However, in an effort to create a fun past time outside of knitting, I will continue on boring life and all.

Virgin Blogger

It is my first time blogging and so far it seems to be more stressful than expected. Perhaps it's because I'm trying to learn spanish by watching bad soap operas while writing something worth reading.